can someone point in the right direction?

i lost myself since the last time i've logged on to blogger. its pretty unfortunate, really. i could retrace my steps but i still wouldnt know where to look. all i know is that i opened my eyes and saw myself in a position that i never envisioned myself in. i dont know. i'm scared. i'm miserable. i dont know what it feels like to happy anymore. i just need the sun to shine on me one good time and hopefully that'll help.

maybe i should just stop caring... about EVERYTHING

my feelings were hurt today... by my boyfriend. i'm dealing with some things in my life and i know he is too. so i'm supporting him but where the hell is MY SUPPORT??! 

i'm always too busy caring for everyone else that i forget about myself. who is gonna care about me if i don't? NO ONE. i've learned that. so i guess i better start being selfish like everyone else around me not not give a fuck about anyone except THEA MARIE CONNER.

 i wanna say FUCK IT

but then again... i could never do that

the worst feeling ever is

losing a BEST FRIEND without knowing exactly why. AND on top of the loss, i keep have dreams about our broken friendship and it literally tears me up inside. 

I WANT MY FRIEND BACK!

new love

 Hollywood Lights

 Night Life

 One Way

 Sony

6th Ave N

i got my new camera yesterday. i was so happy yall! these are just a few of the many photos i took last night. 

i'm a beginner, how did i do?

a man’s own tears can make him strong

Letter From My Lover

DEAR THEA CONNER

I want to start by saying that I love you so much.

I’m so lucky to have you as my woman and potential wife it feels so good to know that your mine and I’m yours baby I can’t do nothing but smile at the fact through it all we have been devoted to each other through the thick and thin baby I’m here to stay for you, I love you I will always be there when you need me baby.

I just want you to know you’re my queen and you’re very special to me I will always stand up for you, and fight for our love baby. I have no problem doing whatever for you baby because you’re my Queen and you deserve to be treated exactly like which you are baby. Doe I’m not poetic baby this note should let you know what I’m feeling how I view and love you Thea.

I want you to read me baby my book never is closed I’m thoughtful to your kind, baby the small things matter to me, when you’re not feeling good I’m not because I want to make you feel comfort, protected, and comfortable with me.

Baby I’m sincere as I write this because this is what you mean to me and just how important you are if you didn’t know baby.

You’re amazingly beautiful to me, you have been that since the first time we met I was amazed with you fell in love with you from the start baby. I wanted you to be my woman. You’re very smart and I trust you, with my heart as you do me, I will take good care of you baby because you mean so much to me and this future I want, without  you its pointless because with you I’m happy.

Baby I just want to show you I care for you and I enjoy my time with you, when I’m not working nor at school baby the memories we make are forever lasting baby there here to stay with us as we take on this life together baby. There are always appropriate times and places for affection. I love you, and love giving it only to you, and to see you smile when we’re intimate does something to me, and that’s make me happier because you are baby and your right about something I love to look at you when you’re not looking because inside I’m the happiest guy out there to have you, and just the fact I know I got your attention is so wonderful baby.

I’m proud to be your man baby and I love walking in the park with you at late nights, kissing, holding hands and all we can do together baby the times are priceless baby. I want you to know I pay attention and I’m very attentive toward you baby. I love you thanks for giving me the opportunity baby. I love you always and forever true and I’m very grateful to have you.

I made the commitment to invest in us and you this is our investment toward our future baby.

Sincerely,

Quantez Williams. 

it was good while it lasted

i ran to Him
with tears streaming
down my cheeks
i cried to Him
gave myself 
back to Him
feeling like such a disgrace
head hung low
not worthy of forgiveness
but He forgave
even though
i lied to Him
or to myself
at least
the lies were gone
like my pain
for the moment
my heart felt lighter
shoulders a little less burdened
i wanted to get in
His Word and
hide forever
but i knew
it wouldnt last
once again
my insecurities had the final say
maybe next time
if i can make it
*sigh*
maybe one day

"I'm starting to realize that some of my "secrets" are actually just things that would never come up in casual conversation."

i'm living a lie

How can i be AGAINST Animal Cruelty and still Support Abortion?

Thats like me eating a big juicy burger and still call myself Vegetarian.

please make it go away!!

Avoiding this situation will not make it disappear. Unfortunately, its seems that i should face it now.
BUT I DONT WANNA!!

i cant, i wont, i refuse to!

my entire family is broken into tiny little fucking pieces and i'm left to pick em all up.
see what they have yet to realize is that i cant do it!
i cant pick up the pieces of our failing lives!
i cant help you be strong when i'm weaker than you.
i cant wipe your tears away when holding i'm back my own!
i cant possibly care about your feelings when i'm neglecting my own!
i'm not trying to be selfish but you're killing me, i'm dying inside!
i cant do it on my own
i wont
i refuse to

and i'm too scared to tell any of you this so i'll continue to allow you to destroy my soul, til there's no more Thea left. its a fucking shame! but i have no other option... for now

dont get used to this bitches, i'm gonna figure something out...

the MOST INSTENSE FEELING

it was scary overwhelming brought upon by fear
this feeling over took my entire being
it was like the beginning of a flood
& instead of my flood gates opening
to let this feeling free
i clenched tight
with everything in me
too "strong" to let it free
so it remains
and so do the tears
so do the fears and
the emotions that have left me emotionless
they remain hidden
very few have the key
if you are the owner
please please dont use it again


SN: yes i am aware that there is no punctuation. that was intentional.

hello again

i've been going through so much lately but i've found it extremely hard to express myself using this blog. idk why, but it is...

i would say pray for me... but....... yeah

you can pray for my Grandma though, she believes in that stuff

i dont wanna be that girl

“the girl who seemed unbreakable; broke
the girl who seemed so strong; crumbled
the girl who always laughed it off; cried
& the girl who never stopped trying; quit”

via http://cuttinitup.tumblr.com/

no thank you

religion is a crutch and i dont need it.

its not that simple

Smile, though your heart is aching, smile,
Even though it's breaking
When there are clouds, in the sky you'll get by
If you smile, through all fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face, with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear maybe ever so near
Cause that's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worth while
If you, you just smile

Smile, darling baby, smile

Smile by Janelle Monae

beautiful song.

Me @ 9:10: I love you

@ 10:02: No reply

i guess he doesnt love me today...



yes we talked earlier baby but i just need you now

get off my back damn!

yes Grandma, I love him
yes Grandma, i'd rather be with him than with you
and yes Grandma, we fuck!
and there's nothing you can do about it
so shut the fuck up!


(i would never talk to my Grandma this way but i swear i want to just one good time then i'd be satisfied. she just pisses me off on a regular basis. like i really just wish she'd shut the fuck up with her bitchin & beatin around the fuckin bush & just ask me what she thinks she already knows. DAMN!)

Are you ready?

you were gone

i had to take your place
4 kids
including me
i didnt know how to behave
but i had to be brave
hid my tears
behind a smile
but in my eyes
the fears lied
"she's coming back"
"she'll be here soon"
heard knocks at the door
wishing it was you
but it wasnt
my heart dropped to my stomach
"they're here to take us away"
i heard my mind say
but a sigh of relief
escaped my being
couldnt believe
who it was i was seeing
Grandma came to take us
home
home with her
where we belong
days passed
time moved on
where were you?
you were gone.

HAPPY FUCKIN MOTHER'S DAY

1 or 2 people come to mind

you're a great teacher

i'll keep trying

remember when i said i had something to tell you but i was nervous? i tried telling you so many times but im just really scared, almost terrified kinda, of your reaction...

sooooooo.......

wait... i cant..! *drops head* #fail once again... smh

thats why i love him

no matter the circumstances, my love never fails to put a smile on my face

ouch

my heart hurts

thank her

BECAUSE SHE'S THE REASON IM STILL HERE

help wanted

usually, i'd try to hide my vulnerability. i'd refuse to acknowledge that i NEED help, love, attention or simply the fact that im IN NEED.
but right now im putting it out there... I NEED HELP!

HELP ME!

"i know i refuse when you ask, but... PLEASE hug me. i cant make it alone anymore."

PLEASE!

j'adore!

ERYKAH BADU

haiku:

music captivates.

my soul adheres to lyrics.

i've found my escape.

i dont think he knows how much i actually love him...
as a matter of fact...
i dont think i know

i had something i wanted to say but i deleted it.

concealed with a smile

look past the band aids.

past the cuts.

past the fact that you dont know this person.

now tell me

what do you see?

everyday we come in contact with numerous people, both strangers and friends, and i can bet ANY amount of money that EVERY PERSON you pass by on the sidewalk or see in class or where ever, is fighting some kind of battle. the ones you see smiling the most are those who most likely needs a kind word or a hug or just a listening ear.

NO, i'm not a cutter. i didnt post this because i want attention or anything else your little twisted mind can come up with. i posted this because i want people to really care! i want people to stop being so damn selfish & only worried about their own problems. what you're going through isnt for you anyway so you might as well help others whenever the oppurtunity presents itself...which is everyday. come on now, it doesnt take long to give someone a HUG people! is it gonna hurt you to simply SMILE when you walk past a stranger? ugh! it just really frustrates me when i see all these people in need and i cant do anything about it, although i sincerely wish i could. but you better believe that i'm gonna try my HARDEST to help you out when you need it! and if i cant help you personally i WILL find someone who can! but people come one now i cant do it alone!

will you help me?

F no longer stands for Fantastic

i wish i was BLIND so that i wouldnt be able to see the FAILURE i have become.

it's quite simple...

i'm SAD...

:(

I miss my Daddy

R.I.P

4.20.1994

What hurts the most is that i dont remember you.

i stare at your picture,

staring into your eyes,

wishing,
hoping,

DYING

to gain a piece of you.

I MISS YOU DADDY

i really do

Daddy i miss you so bad.

i need to feel your arms around me Daddy.

Daddy i love you

and NEVER will i forget you

Daddy...

i just wish i could remember...

Dear Ms. MooGoo

i have this friend & she's cool people; i luhhs her v e r y much COMPRENDE?!

i met her last year in June; June 11, 2009 to be exact. no i'm not a creep or anything lol this was the date of freshman orientation and the beginning of a new friendship (corny but WHATEVER).

well anywho, this friend is leaving and it sucks major balls dude. i'm really gonna miss her but i know that everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING! including this friendship. :)

i have one thing that i really wanna say to her...

Paper,

i love you very much. next semester i know we wont see that much of each other but i want you to know that even if our friendship doesnt last or isnt as strong as it is now, its ok. i love you any way and I KNOW that you love me too! because DUHHH! I'M THEA! :)

PAPER & FLAPJACKKK!!

heavy heart by Ed Tajchman

i feel like this painting.

CHAOTIC.

its more than i can handle.

nothing i write is good enough!

dirty little secret

I KNOW WHAT I AM!

but im afraid to admit it...

i'll just keep this to myself

(think what you'd like but you know what happens when you ASS.U.ME)

just let me vent

So all of a sudden a feeling of _______ came over me. the "blank" is not because i dont wanna say. the "blank" is because i DONT KNOW what to say. Honestly, i dont think i really wanna say anything about the way i'm feeling nor how i've been feeling. IDK why. so please dont ask. (Thanks.)

i feel like i've given too much of myself to everyone around me but i'm not getting anything in return. if i am i cant feel it. or maybe people are trying but i'm not trying to receive it. i dont even know what it is that i'm not getting!

ugh! whatever!

I DONT CARE!

BYE.

From now on...

back on this fucking roller coaster i see..!

"i'm just a nobody, but i HOPE to inspire somebody."

i cant deal with this!

we haven't talked in a while.
and the last time we did...
i was counting down the seconds til it was over.
i love you because i have to.
the line between love and hate is no longer there,
i've crossed it so many times...
i cried for you when no one else would!
i wasted my tears on you!
the stone walls surrounding my heart
crumbled to pieces and you were the reason!
i hate you for making me love you.
i HATE you for making me HATE you!
i HATE you for making me feel this way!
CONFUSED!
i gave you my heart and you gave it back broken.
i HATE YOU!
and it hurts me to say it.
but its true i hate you.
you don't love me like you're supposed to!
you claim you do but you gotta f*cked up way of showin it.
you love me yet you FORCE me to choose sides?
you love me but everytime we talk its about money?
you love me...?
naw... no you don't.
and its ok you can stop with the lies.
you love me?
no you don't STOP IT!
YOU RE LYING!
oh that's right... you cant help it...lying.
its what you're good at... its your life.
wait...who are you again?
you're my MOTHER NOT my FRIEND.
the lying...
will it ever END?

i miss you

Free HUGS

it never ends... :)

he said, "Thea, you're interesting."

i said, "you think? how so?"

he said, "you just are! you're like a book with infinite chapters, i cant stop reading you!"

i smiled and said, "i love you."

its ok.......

my emotions are getting the best of me right now... and oddly... Im ok with that.

im crying because i happy.
im crying because im not.
im crying for YOU, her, him and me...

but...i dont mind....

"sometimes i wish i was like Mariella..."

"the things i do for love will NOT be the end of me..." (july 21, 09)

her mood remains unknown

as she allows her mind

to go back and rewind

his image, his words,

the few moments in time

they spent together

"he will always carry a piece of me,"

the girl thinks to herself

she needed a man's touch

the feeling of his masculinity

comforts her,

inducing peace & serenity

until...

his touch is no longer kind & gentle

but forceful instead

fear crept in her head

"dont say no to me" he said

but she did

and he did

to her the things she thought she wanted

what she thought would help her mind...

moments passed

glares shared

words exchanged

and as quickly as he came

she was left alone

again...

"i hate sex" she whispers aloud to none other than herself

the eye doesnt
see

its simply the mind's
tool.

but at times
the mind gets too busy

leaving the heart to
play the fool...

a fool at times the
heart may play

but its the mind that
we need not let stray...

-
Anonymous

Meet True

This one's my favorite. My friend made these for me. :)

I have something i NEED to say but the words cant seem to find the way out...

I... am a P.O.W

I NEED MY DADDY

emotional... sue me

so... i really wanna cry right now but i cant figure out why...

if i could fly away...

"my poems dont rhyme because
rhyme schemes are chains of bondage..."

i LOVE spoken word

cry for me (feb. 2010)

Cry For Me

i wanna cry my eyes out

i wanna scream

i want my tears to fall without reserve

i wanna release my anger without judgement

i wanna cry

i need to cry

not for you

but for me

not for my problems

or issues

but

for me

i need to cry for me

i live for me

i'm gonna die for me

but before i go

i need to

cry for me

i dont wanna waste my tears on someone not deserving. NO! Never Again! i'm gonna cry for ME!

July 2, 2010

on this date, I AM CUTTING MY HAIR. yep, i'm choppin it off. not too short though, i dont think i'm bold enough for that... YET. anywho, i REALLY like Rihanna's cut so i'm thinking of getting something similar but with a touch of Thea ;) i LOVE all of the these but the blonde cut is definitely my FAVORITE..!

yeah i'm a nerd...

...but he loves this nerd :)

irked

it really bothers me that this time isnt correct...

its 4:27am

Always seems to calm me by allowing my mind to wonder

change isnt always a bad thing... or is it?

I've changed so much since high school and my friends (more like associates) cant seem to accept the fact that PEOPLE CHANGE. whether its for the good or bad, people do indeed change...


I'm not the same Thea that walked into Lutheran North almost 5 years ago. i was shy, quiet, a TRUE Christian, a virgin, ya know, SEEMINGLY innocent. i had been exposed to too much by the age of 13 to be innocent. anyway, i don't know that Thea anymore. sometimes i miss her but I've moved on...

This is her...



i TRIED to let my "friends" know that a change was taking place but when i tried to confide in them, they wouldn't listen. so soon, i quit trying... their loss.



back then i went to church every Sunday, Tuesday, sometimes Wednesdays and Fridays, and even Saturday mornings, then one day everything i THOUGHT i lived by didn't make sense to me anymore so slowly, it drifted away...and i let it. soon after, i stopped praying. i stopped reading my bible. eventually, i forced myself to stop thinking about God and religion.
no I'm not an atheist. i think there is a god but i also feel that that lifestyle isn't for me. although I've been told by man that i was "called" to do things for the "kingdom" I JUST CANT SEE HOW THAT COULD EVER BE ME..!


nobody ever understands when i try to explain how i feel about this so... i don't


anyway, that was Jr year.


Sr. yr to the present.
Aug. 1, 2008. i will never forget this date. it was the "day" i lost, no, GAVE my virginity away. i didn't LOSE my virginity, it didn't go missing. i GAVE it away. i gave it away expecting something in return but got nothing but a void; another empty space that needed to be full. so... i tried to fill it. how? by having more sex of course. did it work? nope and now that i think about it, I'm still trying. will it ever be full? probably not... bummer. I've had sex with 6 people. yep, 6 men in less than 2 yrs. (you do the math.) I'm not proud of this fact and i do have my regrets but hey, we live and we learn. right?


where were my "friends" while this was taking place? they were in the dark and its best that way because all they do is judge... I'm pretty sure i HATE them (with the exception of maybe 1 or 2)



i changed. i became a Rebel. self proclaimed of course, because no one knew of this lifestyle... today all they see is the tattoos and piercings but never who i really am...





i don't know how i feel about that.......





this is Thea the Rebel...

This isn't the full story but you get the idea...

under construction

dont mind me... just trying to find a look i like... not much to choose from. i wanna design my own...

complete chaos

UGHHH! there's so much running through my mind right now idk what to write! i need an ESCAPE and this (writing) isnt helping...!

I JUST WANNA

DISAPPEAR...

point.blank.period

Deep Dark Forest Green

is the story of my life.

My heart

Meet my heart, VJ. VJ is my BEAUTIFUL baby sister. i will do ANYTHING for this kid. and i do mean ANYTHING. she's easy to love and loves easily :)

GREATEST KID IN THE WORLD!!

last night i had a HORRIBLE dream that my heart... died. it was the most painful thing i could've ever experienced. even in my dream i felt pain. it felt as if the world had come to an end...

i called her today. i miss her sooooooo much words cant even express. when i heard her voice... i cried. tears of relief.

i see her tomorrow. cant wait :)

horrible day

eyes opened to the reality of a lie.

when will it end?

1st impressions

i'm not very good at those things called first impressions. actually, i hate em! it puts entirely too much pressure on me. i'm sitting here thinking oh so hard about this FIRST blog.

"what should i say?"

"how should i say it?"

"should i say it at all?"

FORGET THAT!!

you'll find out who Thea is sooner or later. :)

but until that day comes... this "1st impression" will have to do